weary

"There is no attribute more comforting to His children than that of God's Sovereignty.  Under the most adverse circumstances, in the most severe trials, they believe that Sovereignty has ordained their afflictions, that Sovereignty overrules them, and that Sovereignty will sanctify them all.  There is nothing for which the children ought more earnestly to contend than the doctrine of their Master over all creation - the Kingship of God over all the works of His own hands - the Throne of God and His right to sit upon that Throne.  

On the other hand, there is no doctrine more hated by worldings, no truth of which they have made such a football, as the great, stupendous, but yet most certain doctrine of the Sovereignty of the infinite Jehovah.  Men will allow God to be everywhere except on His throne.  They will allow Him to be in His workshop to fashion worlds and make stars.  They will allow Him to be in His almonry to dispense His alms and bestow His bounties........but when God ascends His throne, His creatures then gnash their teeth.  And we proclaim an ENTHRONED God, and His right to do as He wills with His own, to dispose of His creatures as HE thinks well, without consulting them in the matter; then it is that we are hissed and execrated, and then it is that men turn a deaf ear to us, for God on His throne is not the God they love.  But it is God upon the throne that we love to preach.  It is God upon His throne whom we trust."

-Charles Spurgeon

*sigh*  My husband and I remind ourselves OFTEN of His Sovereignty and that He ordained our lives to be THIS way.  This disease is oh-so-tiring in the practice of belief in His sovereignty and faithfulness and goodness.  I'd love to say it comes easy but it doesn't.  That's why it IS sanctifying (to purify or free from sin).  We have the roots of these doctrines and do feel held down and can repeat them to each other and to God as we cry out to Him,  but we teeter every so often (as I expect anyone going through a difficult trial can attest to) as we see how ugly and draining and depressing this illness is not only to me but to our family life.

Every few weeks I think I'm dying.  I do.  I lay wherever my body is collapsed and actually wonder, "I think this is what dying feels like."  And sadly, in that moment I am more excited for heaven to be out of pain and misery than I am to see our Savior.  I've pondered that more often lately and have tried to make a conscious effort to refocus my view of God and just how awesome it will be to be there with Him.  Even the fact that when I was 4 years old and "accepted Jesus into my heart", I remember doing it out of fear of hell and not so much because of the view I had of myself as a sinner before a Holy, blameless and pure God.  Yes, I know, four is an age where that can be a hard concept to grasp so fear of hell can work :)  It wasn't until I was older that I grew more in the knowledge of Him by reading the Bible and listening to sermons that dissected and taught the meaning of His Word and realized what a wonderful thing it will be to be in the presence of God in heaven some day because of what He did for my sin.

I heard it somewhere and I forget where so I'm sorry I can't find the source....but anyway -- they say cancer patients and AIDS patients don't want to die...but some do because they just can't stop that from happening.  But Lyme patients -- they DO want to die and they can't.  In most cases, Lyme disease does NOT kill you.  It just makes your physical existence terrible....and that word isn't even the most accurate word I can think of.

I feel that way every few months.  I actually think of how much better it would be to be dead (because of my physical misery).  Matt is encouraging when I am feeling this way.  He offers to do anything that could help my misery.  We've found a few tricks that sometimes ease pain and malaise.  But they don't always work.  It's very frustrating.

And it's not just the physical misery -- it's the misery in all aspects of our lives that the disease touches.  I can get so mentally weary and discouraged and so can Matt.  Usually when one of us is up, the other is down so we have the other to encourage.  But lately, we've both just been so weary and discouraged TOGETHER.  Our family and church family has faithfully prayed for us and we've received little encouragements here and there.

"In all His relations with His people God is faithful.  He may be safely relied upon.  No one ever yet really trusted Him in vain.  We find this precious truth expressed almost everywhere in the Scriptures, for His people need to know that faithfulness is an essential part of the Divine character.  This is the basis of our confidence in Him. "

"There are seasons in the lives of all when it is not easy, no not even for Christians, to believe that God is faithful.  Our faith is sorely tried, our eyes bedimmed with tears, and we can no longer trace the out workings of His love.  Our ears are distracted with the noises of the world, harassed by the atheistic whisperings of Satan, and we can no longer hear the sweet accents of His still small voice.......We find it difficult, yea, impossible, for carnal reason to harmonize His frowning providence with His gracious promises.  Ah, faltering soul, severely tried fellow pilgrim, seek grace to heed Isa. 50:10, "Who is among you that walk in darkness and hath no light?  Let him trust in the name of the Lord, and stay upon his God."

-A.W. Pink (The Attributes of God)

And so we carry on...bedraggled....and always thinking of our example to our little ones and trying to teach them that though life is difficult right now, God IS faithful to us in so many ways, even the ways we don't think of.  And that we trust Him because He is sovereign.  And even when we don't feel, we still obey because His goodness, faithfulness, and sovereignty is not dependent on our happiness or well-being.

 I'm thankful this Good Friday to reflect upon His death on the cross that paid the penalty for my sins and that because of His death and resurrection I can have a personal relationship with Him.  And through the reading of the Bible which is His Word, I can learn to trust in the promises He's made in it because they haven't once failed me.

Happy Easter, everyone!