Wednesday, March 16, 2016

curled up

It's treatment week and it's just about that time in the week that I wilt.  My husband walks in for lunch and finds me curled up in a tight ball on the couch, the kids doing (what I can only hope are good and right) things in the playroom, and it's almost just routine now -  the tighter I'm curled, the more he knows I'm fighting the pain and the ugly ickiness that comes with killing what's left of the Lyme disease and the few co-infections I have left to get rid of that the tick gave me.  He acknowledges me and states (more than asking), "The medicine is catching up." And I sort of groan an unintelligible answer. And then he goes into the kitchen to do what I still long my body could do - a simple thing - make lunch without feeling like I've run a marathon! He gets lunch on the table for all the kids and brings me something to eat and I sit up, dizzy, but manage to eat even though my tummy doesn't feel right and I wish I had some strong ginger beer to help ease the queasiness.

I'm thankful that the Lord has let me have good mornings.  We get a lot done in the mornings - all that needs to be done gets done, but by lunch, I'm done for and then - as far as the kids are concerned, ESPECIALLY on treatment week, it's "room time".  They've gotten used to it since they were little - it started with music and toys and books in their little rooms and just branched out to accommodate me needing a rest time on more trying days when I need quiet and days when curling up tighter and tighter and tighter is really the only solution until help arrives (aka "Daddy's-home-from-work").

"If you really get into any kind of touch with Him you will, in fact, be humble -- delightfully humble, feeling the infinite relief of having for once got rid of all the silly nonsense about your own dignity which has made you restless and unhappy all your life." - C.S Lewis

We are really thankful that I haven't had a seizure since December.  We are praying that it remains that way.  I have to be mindful of various things when my body feels "on the verge" as we call it - noise, sensory overload, even standing for too long! So far, though, my doctor (and we) think that the dose of my seizure medication and the continued treatment of Lyme&Co and detoxing has helped with the seizures which used to be such a big problem - many a month, and now, praise God, ZERO since December!

When you're curled up in that tight, tight ball, all you can think of is the pain, or how awful you feel, or how you just.can't.get.up.  But that's the thing - it's another opportunity to turn your suffering into a mindful exercise of putting your mind off of yourself and your suffering and putting your mind on to Christ.  I still often don't know how or why God is putting me or us through this trial or this period of continued suffering, but I do know that He will and has been glorified through it; I need to stay steady at the course.

"The Son of God suffered unto the death, not that men might not suffer, but that their sufferings might be like His." - George MacDonald

As we come upon Easter and think about how Christ ultimately suffered for us, it's hard not to ponder and worship Him in a different way through the lens of one who has and is suffering. I can find many things that God has blessed me with and I am humbled.  I'm still learning to look along the beam of sunlight in regards to my affliction. 

And most of all, I keep beating this phrase into a kind of repetition when those moments of needing to curl up tight are all I can do - "this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory" - 

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." - 2 Corinthians 4:16-18