Monday, March 30, 2009

Not hungry

It's such an amazing difference from 2 weeks ago. I mean, I WAS pregnant, but honestly -- the last week I just have NOT been hungry at all. Two weeks ago I'd wake up and stuff food in my mouth to keep from getting too nauseated and then the "eat-fest" would begin. Every hour or so I'd need food.

Now, I can go til 2pm before realizing I haven't eaten anything. It's really frustrating because 1) Nothing sounds good to eat
2) If I don't eat I lose weight quick
3) Gaining weight is SO hard for me

I haven't stepped on the scale for 2 weeks. I have a doctor's appointment Wednesday so I guess I'll see what this week of not eating has done. I know it will be discouraging. I work SO hard to MAINTAIN what little poundage I have because it's so hard to gain it if I lose even a pound or two. It takes so much work and effort. *sigh* I wish I at least had an appetite to help me out.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Downhearted

Pretty much ever since I found out I was pregnant my physical state was improved SO dramatically! I couldn't believe how much energy I had and how the pain went away. It was a very intriguing and I savored EVERY single moment my body actually felt good. Nausea came but I still had energy and my body didn't feel broken.

Then about a week and a half ago I woke up and felt as if I had been run over by a truck. I wondered only for a moment if that meant something had happened to the baby and maybe I wasn't pregnant anymore. But I still had overwhelming nausea and no cramping or bleeding so I figured maybe the blessing of feeling great had passed but at least I still had a baby to look forward to.

But my sneaking suspicion was confirmed at my routine doctor's appointment. Baby #2 hadn't made any progress since last appointment where we saw it's heartbeat. And this time, there was no heartbeat. It was a "missed miscarriage" because my body didn't do ANYTHING about it. It continued to feel pregnant and act pregnant even though there was no more life growing inside it. The doctor suspected the baby had died a week before. Just when my fibromyalgia symptoms showed up again curiously enough.

Thankfully this most likely didn't have anything to do with my health. The doctor thinks this was just a routine miscarriage. Everyone has the same chance that I did of having one. It was early enough to not be abnormal. So there is much to be thankful for.

I had to have minor surgery to do what my body didn't want to do on it's own but I'm also thankful for that. It would have been really hard to lose it on my own and be reminded for weeks that every day I was literally 'losing' the little one. Now it is just a few days of minor bleeding and cramping. The cramps are what are most annoying. It's like someone is poking me saying, 'Remember what happened?'. But those should be gone soon.

The first thing I remember after coming to after the anesthesia wore off was a stream of fresh tears coming out of my eyes. I hadn't really cried yet since I had found out a few hours earlier that I lost the baby. I didn't want the nurses or anyone to see me so I just kept my eyes closed and cried and cried.

The hardest part is not having my best friend here to comfort me when I'm alone. In fact, it feels like if he was here, I wouldn't be downhearted at all. The thought of having a baby in October was great, but I wasn't terribly attached to the baby itself yet. I usually wait until the second trimester for that and also finding out the gender helps too. So it was more the loss of the pregnancy that hurt so much. The pregnancy offered me something to make the time pass quickly until his return and it was such a nice added bonus to feel so great after feeling so awful for so long.

Now I wake up feeling bruised and battered like I once did and I start crying because it just reminds me of what I lost but also what life is REALLY like. It also ends up making me thankful for those weeks of having a break from feeling like this.

There is also another blessing in all of this. Now I can fully focus all my efforts and offenses at killing the yeast which we now have an actual quantity to measure. I start tomorrow attacking it. I'm absolutely dreading it. I'm going to be using 3 different botanical antibiotics but the doctor assured me I definitely will "herx" and feel pretty awful from all of the yeast dying off. I know this feeling from the last round I did and it's really hard to willingly put myself through it again. Especially since last time I was only using one antibiotic. This time it will be three! It's like going into battle but knowing for sure you will be injured. Would you do that!?

Wish I could hibernate until July. But then I'd miss out on all the cuteness of my favorite almost-2-year-old and THAT would be the saddest thing ever ;)

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Worn Out

Two doctors appointments in one day, each in the opposite direction, really takes it out of you when you're ill. I've now got a migraine that can only be treated with Extra Strength Tylenol. To me that's like taking a sugar pill. It doesn't do ANYTHING. But I always give it a try.

One of the doctors I had never seen before. My OB - it was the greatest doctor's office I have ever been to. He is a wonderful doctor and the only bad part about it is that there can be some long wait times. But it's worth it and I see why so many love him. I've never in all the many doctor's appointments I've had, experienced a doctor who was more sincere and didn't act hurried. He looked me in the eye and asked me about 5 times if I had any more questions (I had lots!). He was compassionate and wise and was SO thorough. I felt very cared for.

The nurses were also incredibly kind and thoughtful and treated me like an actual person! Instead of telling me where the lab was, they walked me to it -- out of their office even!! The nurse who took my blood in the lab said, "Is Dr. F going to be your doctor for this pregnancy?" I said yes and she said, "OH good. He is the best. He is so professional and so wonderful."

Even the nurse who took my blood was extra kind - she told me to keep my hand pressed on my little wound for a bit to keep it from bruising and told me as I left that if I needed anything I could come to her.

I've had blood drawn a million times it seems and I've seen so many doctors but this visit felt like a 5 star resort. Such a difference kindness and non-hurriedness makes.

My second appointment later in the day, however, was awful. I've been there before and haven't had problems but this time I arrived, after driving WAY out of my way, and they weren't quite sure why I had come so I had to tell them I came for some test results because the doctor wanted me to be there. Well, they didn't have the results back. And they had to ask me if they had given me results of other tests that they had indeed given me about twice before in the last month. They made me feel a bit guilty for being pregnant too which wasn't very nice. Almost like, "well, now we can't help you much....if you had stuck to our regimen you'd be healed within a year." It probably wasn't as bad as all that but I came away feeling that way. The doctor hasn't completely given up on me thankfully. He is thinking of alternative ways to treat the yeast while I'm pregnant and we're going to wait on the test results to go further.

I find myself comparing these doctor's appointments the way I rate restaurants. "The wait staff was friendly"; "the wait time was manageable"; "the service was great". Kind of sad if you visit the doctor THAT much that it becomes like that. I was just struck with the thought as I drove home from my first, wonderful doctor's appointment that I had the same "good" feeling I have when I visit a great restaurant. Sad!!!!