confused

So, my friends.  The last few months have been scary for me.  This last week was even scarier.  I had two HUGE seizures which resulted in me feeling 'paralyzed' or 'trapped' in my own body.  I forgot the names of my kids and cried so hard about it that I don't think anyone (my husband included and he was with me) had ever heard me sob that hard.  I had trouble forming words for two days after and was in bed all day.

We were advised to skip antibiotics for two days and to up some seizure meds.  Then resume antibiotics.  And when we did, another big one hit.  This time I passed out for a good amount of time and my husband says he tried to revive me to no avail for so long.  Thankfully my breathing remained calm the entire time.

I woke up this morning, Christmas morning, seizing.  I was dreaming I was having a seizure and then I was awoken by my husband who looked worried and was shaking me and saying, "Are you okay?".  He put some seizure medicine in my mouth and waited it out with me making sure my breathing was fine.  Thankfully it was mild and I was recovered enough to come enjoy our simple family Christmas morning.

But even being down JUST among my kids all day made me so weak and I nearly had another seizure right before dinner.

Things are so precarious right now.  We are confused.  We know we are in good hands with our doctor and trust the team.  They know what they are dealing with and have so much experience.  So we don't doubt them.  We're just scared.  This Lyme thing has so many ups and downs as we've experienced, but it's just so much more frustrating to be doing THIS bad (wheelchair bound if we go out), after having a taste of nearly normal-ness last year as we met our future son.

But despite our fear, disappointment, discouragement, we haven't given up on God.  We still know this is part of His plan for our lives.  We don't know why.  I so often cry out to Him wondering WHY I feel so miserable and WHY couldn't He just at least take the pain away.  But it must all be for His glory.  So I endure and continue to praise Him in the storm.  Because that is what He deserves, and that is what He tells me to do in His Word.

Pray for us.  Pray that my team of doctors will find just the right combination of drugs to get my seizures under control so they can find just the right dose of antibiotics to kill Lyme and the co-infections so that my body will HEAL.

Thanks, friends.