sorry

I never wanted my kids to see me have a seizure.  My husband was always good about blocking me from view or calmly telling them to go play upstairs.  I still am not positive they HAVE seen me have a seizure, but I know the girls (who are both old enough to talk) both know something is up.

Last week my oldest daughter said, "So, if you have one more seizure we aren't going on vacation?"  I don't even think she knows what a seizure is, but she knew it might ruin our family vacation because she overheard Matt make that comment in a moment of desperation.  In private he said, "So when do we decide to cancel vacation?" as I lay there sweating and immobile after a particularly bad seizure only days away from departure.

It's hard to have kids and be "scary" sick.  Before, I could just lay there and smile when they came up to me.  Now I have to hide. Or at least that's how it feels.  I don't want them to see the weak, sickly mommy, plus, their noises can make me sicker!  So instead they just know I'm up in my turret hiding away and fun Grandma gets to care and play with them.  On good (or let's say "better") days, I use my oldest as a messenger sometimes.  She comes in to the room every once in a while and kisses my hand and lays her cheek on it affectionately like a dog might. (side-note -- can anyone please convince my husband that a dog's presence might help comfort and heal me *wink*).

I'll relay messages to her.  "Will you tell Grandma that I need a quick snack?"  She runs helpfully and joyfully.  I think she WANTS to help.  She's old enough to know that I desperately need to get better and she wants to help save the day.  "Will you tell Grandma that I need water and fast!"

She ran. A few minutes later my daughter was carefully walking into my room. Carefully because, in her hands (it required both), was a beer stein, heavy and brimming with water, threatening to spill over the edge.  "It was the only glass I could find."  I wondered why she didn't tell Grandma.  "I could do it. I wanted to get you water. Here it is"  She smiled so cheerfully and so satisfactorily.  There was even a straw in it.  It made me want to cry.  She sees Daddy put straws in glasses of water when I am having a seizure. It's the only way to get water in sometimes. 

I feel sorry for my kids a lot of the time.  I go in and out of knowing for certain that God has me in this place and KNEW my kids would have a mom like this.  There's no reason to feel sorry for them.  They don't even know any different and they are HAPPY kids.  They love life, and they are learning to love God.  They see us pray and trust and isn't that what we are here as parents to teach?  

But there are days that sometimes turn into weeks of feeling sorry that they have to see their momma like this.  Especially the younger ones who just want mom to come give them a pony ride.  "Are you SICK or are you just resting?"  my middle child asks a lot.  She thinks both are bad, but she hears those terms a lot.  Sick.  Resting.  "Don't close your eyes, Mom." She says that if I'm downstairs in their company.  Funny, because her older sister said the same thing at that age before I knew what was causing me to be bedridden.

I know I shouldn't feel bad.  I shouldn't feel sorry.  God did ordain this time and He made little minds to NOT comprehend the magnitude of an illness like this.  They can hear "sick" and "resting" and maybe have a bit of fear, but it's not the fear we adults have.  And I'm thankful for that.  And I need to keep reminding myself that my kids are blessed to be in this family.  Some day they will see that Mom and Dad never stopped trusting God throughout tough times.

And I need to always keep that picture of the overflowing beer stein in my head.  A joyful face.  My cup overfloweth.