ready

It's taken me a bit to digest the information I got at my last appointment. I was in bad shape. Afternoons are really bad for me.  Mornings are good. I sometimes have a pep in my step even!  Then as the day wears on I sink lower and lower and lower until I'm reduced to shuffling along (if I can walk at all). I can barely manage a smile.

Lately, though, through tough news, I'm thankful for the late night laughs my husband and I have had.  They've been much needed.  Laughs about ridiculous things. I think we both just are punch drunk and delirious with overwhelmed crazy information overload that things that normally wouldn't be funny become hilarious to us and we lay on the bed laughing til we cry. Thank you, Lord.  Laughter really is the best medicine.

But back to my appointment.  I was thankful in a way, that my appointment was in the afternoon, because then the doctor could see me at my worst.  Not that they don't take me seriously; in fact, they are the kindest doctors I've ever encountered.  They believe every word I say because they've seen it in countless patients and they fight for us.  Another huge blessing and thing I'm thankful for - doctors who fight for a chronic disease that most doctors gloss over or decide doesn't exist.

See me at my worst they did.  It was meant only for my main doctor to see me but the big guns had to be brought in. She brought in Dr. J.  They conferred.  We discussed.  I was laid on the exam table because of all the shaking that was happening in my body ("we don't want you to have a seizure") and the lights were dimmed.  I had to lay there for an hour and a half before I was cleared to leave.  I was actually fine with this.  I was so so so fatigued and worn that my body needed that dark room and table to recline on.

Before the exam table we discussed things.  We discussed the last 4 months; symptoms and such.  I had
trouble getting words out.  She could tell I was having trouble.  When she "poked and prodded" me (her words) as per the usual exam, my body did all sorts of weird things I couldn't control.

My body is not mine - it's Lyme's.  Clearly I'm not winning this war.  If ever I was, I'm not anymore.  And after very careful thought and deliberation it was decided that I need to go on I.V antibiotics.  Funny enough, in office, I was so very calm about this decision.  I was pumped up about it.  I was happy.  Yes, a single, sad tear slipped down my cheek as she said the words "I.V treatment".  The lights were dimmed so I don't know if Doctor saw it.  But overall, I knew this is probably what my body needs to get over the hump of not being able to get better.  Dr. J came in to discuss it with me too and we both agreed - I'm TIRED of being sick!  This is what is needed, no doubt about it.

It WILL be rough.  Rough in so many aspects, not just on my body but on the family, on the finances, on those around me who have offered to help.  Lyme affects so many without people realizing it.

But here are the truths - the things that make me sit up straighter and breathe easier when I'm up late at night fretting:

-I.V wasn't mentioned until we moved to where we are surrounded by family of all different kinds - parents, siblings, etc.  We have a great support network.  Even friends have offered help.  People we hardly know have offered help!  God's hand in timing this is so evident.

-All money is God's.  It's all His.  So why do we worry?  He will provide for our needs.  Doesn't mean it won't be slim and hard, but we need not worry for He cares for us.

-God will be with me through the toughest parts of treatment.  He's been with me through the toughest parts of oral antibiotic treatment and He won't abandon me now.  The scary thoughts of "what if" and "what is it going to be like" dim when I dwell on His presence.

-We already have offers to help take care of the kids that should span the hours of my husband's work schedule so that I won't be left alone with them (seeing as I have fainting spells and seizures at any given moment....something the doctor is working hard to remedy before I start I.V, but things change with new I.V drugs so we'll see!).

So, all of this is set to start in a few weeks!  It is all happening very quickly and moving at such a fast pace that I can hardly contain my thoughts sometimes.  But prayer and snippets of God's Word helps.  It's hard for my brain to be able to sit down and read large passages of any kind of book, but I do find it comforting to go to the Psalms.  They seem to be the perfect length for an overworked/overrun-with-Lyme brain.

"I will rejoice and be glad in Your loving kindness, because You have seen my affliction; You have known the troubles of my soul, and You have not given me over into the hand of the enemy; You have set my feet in a large place." Psalm 31:7-8

The clouds on the flight home