Sunday, March 22, 2009

Downhearted

Pretty much ever since I found out I was pregnant my physical state was improved SO dramatically! I couldn't believe how much energy I had and how the pain went away. It was a very intriguing and I savored EVERY single moment my body actually felt good. Nausea came but I still had energy and my body didn't feel broken.

Then about a week and a half ago I woke up and felt as if I had been run over by a truck. I wondered only for a moment if that meant something had happened to the baby and maybe I wasn't pregnant anymore. But I still had overwhelming nausea and no cramping or bleeding so I figured maybe the blessing of feeling great had passed but at least I still had a baby to look forward to.

But my sneaking suspicion was confirmed at my routine doctor's appointment. Baby #2 hadn't made any progress since last appointment where we saw it's heartbeat. And this time, there was no heartbeat. It was a "missed miscarriage" because my body didn't do ANYTHING about it. It continued to feel pregnant and act pregnant even though there was no more life growing inside it. The doctor suspected the baby had died a week before. Just when my fibromyalgia symptoms showed up again curiously enough.

Thankfully this most likely didn't have anything to do with my health. The doctor thinks this was just a routine miscarriage. Everyone has the same chance that I did of having one. It was early enough to not be abnormal. So there is much to be thankful for.

I had to have minor surgery to do what my body didn't want to do on it's own but I'm also thankful for that. It would have been really hard to lose it on my own and be reminded for weeks that every day I was literally 'losing' the little one. Now it is just a few days of minor bleeding and cramping. The cramps are what are most annoying. It's like someone is poking me saying, 'Remember what happened?'. But those should be gone soon.

The first thing I remember after coming to after the anesthesia wore off was a stream of fresh tears coming out of my eyes. I hadn't really cried yet since I had found out a few hours earlier that I lost the baby. I didn't want the nurses or anyone to see me so I just kept my eyes closed and cried and cried.

The hardest part is not having my best friend here to comfort me when I'm alone. In fact, it feels like if he was here, I wouldn't be downhearted at all. The thought of having a baby in October was great, but I wasn't terribly attached to the baby itself yet. I usually wait until the second trimester for that and also finding out the gender helps too. So it was more the loss of the pregnancy that hurt so much. The pregnancy offered me something to make the time pass quickly until his return and it was such a nice added bonus to feel so great after feeling so awful for so long.

Now I wake up feeling bruised and battered like I once did and I start crying because it just reminds me of what I lost but also what life is REALLY like. It also ends up making me thankful for those weeks of having a break from feeling like this.

There is also another blessing in all of this. Now I can fully focus all my efforts and offenses at killing the yeast which we now have an actual quantity to measure. I start tomorrow attacking it. I'm absolutely dreading it. I'm going to be using 3 different botanical antibiotics but the doctor assured me I definitely will "herx" and feel pretty awful from all of the yeast dying off. I know this feeling from the last round I did and it's really hard to willingly put myself through it again. Especially since last time I was only using one antibiotic. This time it will be three! It's like going into battle but knowing for sure you will be injured. Would you do that!?

Wish I could hibernate until July. But then I'd miss out on all the cuteness of my favorite almost-2-year-old and THAT would be the saddest thing ever ;)

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