not worried

I realized I've come to a point in my sickness (and in life) where I now try not to worry about how my house looks when friends come over for a casual hang out.  And I don't worry as much about how I look.

When you don't have the energy, what can you really do, except stay holed up in the house, not leaving any room for friends who would LOVE to come visit.  My husband usually takes care of food and such so that I can rest.  But what was happening before was that I was not having people over because I didn't have time to pick up the house.  Or I didn't have the energy to put on makeup and what not.

Since moving to our new place (been here a year), we've realized just how important getting together with our friends is to my health and to my husband's sanity.  On my worst worst days, I obviously can't entertain or keep up conversations so we do say no at those times.  But when it's just a matter of not having energy to clean or to put on makeup, we try to say yes.  Our friends make us laugh; our friends encourage us; our friends understand.  We always come away from time spent with friends feeling refreshed, even if it doesn't physically "heal" me.

We also started using our "good" dinnerware every day.  Someone once said (and I don't remember who) that you should use your good dinnerware with your own family and friends instead of saving it for a special occasion.  Now, we don't own fancy fancy china, but we do have two sets of dinnerware.  One I use during the day with the kids and for myself, and the other I used to just keep away until guests would come.  But then we decided to just use it because it is cheerier and by golly, it's OUR dinnerware.  We also started eating at the table each night.  On very bad days, I eat on the couch still, but I love that my husband still eats at the table with the girls.

Now, back to makeup.  I used to wear makeup and do my hair every day.  Not overly dramatic or anything, but every day I put on makeup.  When I got sick, that went out the window.  I mean, who has energy for makeup and hair when you can barely take a shower without having to sit out the whole day.  I would say that now, 80% of the time, I do not wear any makeup.

I'm one of those people who goes out without makeup and strangers ask, "Are you sick?"  And that was BEFORE I was sick too!  I guess I don't have a good complexion and my eyes need a bit of help to pop instead of looking sickly.

These days I save makeup for when I'm going out with my husband.  That means church, dates, and shopping with him.  And I put the extra touch on when it's a date.  We had the privilege to go on a date recently and as I was getting ready, looking a little "fancier" than I usually do, I realized that most of the pictures of me are "sick on the couch".  I decided from now on, when I wear makeup and dress in anything other than sweats, I'm going to take more pictures of myself.   I want my girls to be able to see pictures of their mom NOT looking like a frump all the time.

My oldest daughter LOVES when I put on makeup and dress up.  She sits in the bathroom just watching and asking questions about the various things I'm doing to my face and ooohing- and-ahhhing about how "pretty" my lipstick is or how "lovely" my shirt is.  I love it.  I also want to teach her to look nice....especially for her husband.  Whenever she says, "You look so pretty today!" I say, "I'm being pretty for Daddy!"

5 years ago

I was lamenting to my sweet husband about how I saw pictures from 5 years ago right before I got really ill and how just a bit more facial "fat" made me look so much more healthy and now I'm just "gaunt".  But he assured me that he thinks I look just fine now and that some day I'll gain some healthy fat again.  I know my husband loves me and still calls me beautiful even with my chicken legs and sallow face -- even without makeup or dressed up clothes, but I still hope for the day when I'm well and can spend some energy to wear some makeup and wear something other than sweats for him and my family EVERY day :)

This is your Mama, girls.  When she makes an EFFORT to look nice :)