I already have a month of oral antibiotics under my belt and I'm underway with my second month. And like a stalled car just trying to start I feel like I'm screaming at my immune system to please kick in and start! Please! Please! Remember your job - start up again - do what you're supposed to be doing!
I'm quite worn out all the time and can function minimally, but I have just come out of the battle as my husband reminds me. It's early to start expecting me to bounce up and be perky with vigor. But I've got to say I'm frustrated. I'm so frustrated and downtrodden. This is such a sucking vortex of a disease that brings you down down down into a pit of despair if you don't watch out for it and I've got sucked into it because I wasn't careful to guard my heart.
It's been 4 years since I was diagnosed, but it was 8 years since I was debilitated by the disease and longer since I've had symptoms. Eight years is a long time to be really sick and nearly non-functioning most of the time with various stages of people and friends who do and don't understand what you're going through with opinions flaring and such. Downtrodden.
But there's lots to be thankful for! There have been many who have been so supportive! My family for one! Most of our close friends in the previous states we've lived in - they did so much in acting as family since our family couldn't be there. They truly were the body of Christ and we are so thankful for that.I'm thankful my second daughter is (with a tentative voice) Lyme-free. That has been a very long road filled with triumphs and setbacks and heartache and someday I may tell her whole story because I know it may encourage others with parents who have children with Lyme. We have no kids with Lyme disease now. Praise the Lord.
It's just me now. I need to heal. Why can't I heal faster? More like, why can't I be patient? Isn't 8 years patient enough? I hate this disease. Coming in to see a doctor after being so so sick for 4 years for sure means it's going to take a bit longer to heal than your average person. I know that. My husband and I just wish we could finally be done with this disease once and for all. We see the success stories and know it will happen. But Lord, when will it happen for ME?
Dear Heather,
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me--I read from afar in Washington state. Fellow Lymie, fellow mama, fellow Christian, fellow sufferer. I've checked your blog every day waiting for an update and praying accordingly when I didn't see one. I have found a handful of blogs that I like because they speak what I so often feel. After experience release and near normalcy last spring and summer, I am in the middle of my worst stretch in about two years--just agony. You are tougher than me--I gave up on antibiotics 18 months ago, after 2+ years, and am treating alternatively, but can't say that it's been a whole lot better! All of this rambling is to say, I "get it." I'm so sorry. My biggest struggle is that my kids don't have the mama I feel they deserve. And I wonder how a good God won't respond to his daughter's screams for help. I have felt like a disciple in the boat screaming, "Wake up Lord! Do you not care if we die?!?!" And he is asleep on his cushion :) But, we have to remember that in that story, Jesus wakes up, and calms the storm in an INSTANT. He can do the same for us. Praying for you. I know a lot of people say that :)
~Suzanne
Thank you, Suzanne! Your comment encourages me more than you know. I know what you mean about struggling with feeling like your kids don't have a mama that they deserve. But then I remember that God placed them in THIS family and KNEW they would have THIS mama. You give them as much as you can and I'm sure they appreciate it. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement! Praying for you as well now that I "know" you. :)
DeleteLove you friend. Wish I could make it all better, but I'll just hurt with you and walk beside you (from afar) in the mean time.
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